Where do I even begin? What piece of Africa do I share out of so many moments? What can I possibly say in just a few lines about the continent that has left me both broken and filled?
Do I start with the children, the brown eyes and shy smiles, the tender touches that quickly turned to fierce squeezes at the slightest sign of being settled back to the ground? Should I mention Africa’s babies, crying out for so much more than food? I know that my arms could have held so many more, for so much longer. I know that I still had some kisses to give and some hugs to spare. I ask myself if I’ll ever feel okay about walking away. If I’ll ever forgive myself for shutting the door and driving back down the road; forgive myself for climbing back on the plane?
The first day we spent at the church in Mozambique, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to shake. Lunchtime had arrived and we were all so eager to “get our hands dirty”, to jump in and help serve. One by one they lined up, and one by one we carried hot bowls of beans and rice to them; and still they came and they kept coming. The line seemed never-ending even when we all saw the pots thinning out, when we saw the cooks hit bottom. I kept praying “Fishes and Loaves” even as they told me that there was no more. I didn’t understand. How could there be no more? I’m praying here God!! How could there be no more? Watching them as they were watching us to see if we had just one more bowl, I can’t say I felt anything but broken. I was so profoundly broken. As a mother, I felt like I failed; and, maybe, that’s how God had to speak to me. He had to remind me that every day they, or someone just like them, are told no more and it’s that ONE MORE that we absolutely cannot fail. It’s that ONE MORE that we have to keep fighting to feed. It’s that ONE MORE that we keep seeking because these children are God’s most precious treasures and they should never be hungry emotionally, physically or spiritually.
I still struggle with how to talk about La’Salette. It’s not something I’ve shared because I fear losing what I felt. How in just a few words I loved her as if I always had. How, when walking through her garden, I felt like I was walking on anointed ground and how I could have stayed still in God’s presence because it just felt so abundant there. How her embrace took my breath away and how eager I am to feel my Father’s arms around me, knowing how much better it will be. How I long to return to just sit and be with my Savior in a garden that I truly felt was as close as I’ve ever been to what God had planned for us in the beginning.